Leaving Behind the Past, Embracing the Future

In 2024, after 10+ years of continuous service in the same company, I took a break from work. The break happened because I could feel myself going into a rut. I had begun questioning whether I was adding value to my work and, in turn, to the Company. Everybody and everything seemed to be against me. The perks were good, but at what cost? I did not enjoy going to work.

In the recent past, a lot of changes were introduced. With new leadership coming, with their perceived understanding of everything, things are bound to change. I took it all in my stride without much questioning. Soon it felt like I was left in the dark with a blindfold. No amount of calling out for help, or thrashing around brought any help from any quarters. Only the "call for help" and 'thrashing around' were highlighted as a 'lack of new ideas'. "...spend 10-11 years in the same company and learn nothing", when somebody says this, it hurts. Maybe true, maybe not. What if the earlier leadership never meant for us to do anything else. Are you aware of the mechanisation behind the brand over the years? How can one just jump in and judge people?

I felt like the 'goat being fattened for slaughter'.  I was charged with asking old employees, whom I worked with for years, to leave; and introducing changes, the team was not happy with. The resulting woes were heard by the boss and made to look like I was responsible for all the shit. Then the bomb was dropped, and I was informed about the arrival of my replacement and my subsequent shift. I accepted it. Then, I began to feel shitty. The new role I was put in was stifling. If I was not wanted, why did they not just say it? I may be somebody who does not openly retaliate. But when it gets too much, I speak up.

The last few months presented significant challenges that impacted my well-being. I experienced feelings of isolation and self-doubt. I couldn't speak up for myself. That is how lost I felt.

I needed to get out of there. Finally, when I couldn't take it anymore, I had the talk which ended with me mentioning depression and not enjoying coming to work. The constant pressure on my brain, the panic-stricken state, the mind fog, manipulative people constantly trying to put me down were just too much. However, nobody is going to accept it. The standard response, I guess is, that it comes with the role and everybody is trying to help.

I understand that I may have been an encumbrance to the company, and they were being kind to me based on my years of service. The tasks and situations presented to me were likely tests, which I unfortunately failed. I never claimed to be a master in this field. It was clear from the beginning that I was a first-time leader and required support. However, the extent and duration of this support are subject to debate.

My departure was quick. I was excused from the required notice period. I wanted a quiet exit. A week before the exit, the team was informed. On the last day, again a comment, " Oh! I thought you have spent over 15 years with the company...". How does it matter now, would it have helped if I had been here longer?

This experience, while challenging and ultimately leading to my departure, has highlighted the importance of valuing individual well-being and fostering a supportive work environment. Despite the difficulties encountered, I am confident in my abilities and the value I can bring to future roles. This break provides an opportunity for new learnings, reflection, self-discovery, and a renewed sense of purpose. I will pursue professional and personal goals while holding to my values. I am hopeful that future endeavours will allow me to contribute meaningfully while prioritizing my mental and emotional health.